AUTOBIO
THE AUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY
BY YOURS TRULY
1979 | How it all began
Suddenly, a blinding light tore through my small living space. Ten pink tentacles pierced the gap and seized me with unheard-of violence. I tried to resist, but it was all in vain. It's the end, I thought.
At that moment, I was dragged towards the fissure, into a place of abominable light where space and time miserably made sense.
I felt heavy, dirty, sticky.
I had just been born.
1982-1985 | My prisons
Over the months, I had to succumb to the inevitable imposition of breathing air. The most challenging part was the constant battle against the force of gravity. It just kept making me fall. But one fine day, although I never quite understood how, I overcame it and learned to walk.
Get ready, humans, I thought, because Elia is finally ready for... well, kindergarten.
1985-1993 | The long training
After three years, I was finally transferred to a lighter facility, elementary school. It was here that I had the first glimpse of my future. After watching Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark by His Majesty Steven Spielberg, I said to myself: when I grow up, I want to be a director, whatever that is.
The bossy nature was already underway: I organized battles with my allies against our enemies. We would gather outside the school and start fighting with blowguns to the bitter end. As the "leader of the good guys," I had devised a plan to always win: we inserted pins and nails into the tips of the blowdarts (darts made with strips of paper). Looking back, it wasn't exactly a good thing, but the end justifies the means, we had to defeat the enemies to safeguard freedom, and all that jazz.
«Bambini, tenete le braccia lungo i fianchi», ordinò la maestra. Sì certo, come no.
But the good times didn't last long. Because after conquering the diploma, I was "rewarded" with another three years of a penitentiary, much worse than kindergarten. These were the infamous middle schools, where the tyranny of teachers was no less than the bullying of students...
In the first year, we were targeted by those in the second. In the second year, we targeted those in the first, but the third-year students didn't make it easy for us. By the third year, hardened by the previous two years, we had lost all humanity and had become the same tormentors who had plagued us in the previous two years. We called it "nonnismo," but I never understood why, we weren't grandpas!
I don't know if this was in the first year of middle school or in the fifth grade. Well, more or less...
In this amusing video, I present an unprecedented archaeological find: my elementary school superhero notebook, where I invented, drew, and described tons of characters that made sense back then... 😂
1994-1999 | And the day came
Having served my sentence, I finally returned to freedom. I had no idea what awaited me. After all, pre-adolescence had not been so kind to me, and I didn't see how things could get better.
I was alone, no one understood me, no one loved me, and so on with the complete collection of adolescent paranoias. I was then transferred to another facility, the art high school. But as soon as I set foot there, I immediately felt that this time it would be a whole different story...
I grew my hair, started listening to death metal, and immediately made clear my intentions to overturn the old regime. I did it through politics, effectively becoming the student representative of the high school for a whopping 4 consecutive years, which were the study years back then. Nevertheless, I spent two extra years than necessary, due to the morbid attachment the teachers had towards me. Yes, for that... 😶
Anno Domini 1996
1996 was one of those years when human creativity reached one of its highest peaks. There were many masterpieces, just to name a few: Tool's Ænima; Marilyn Manson's Antichrist Superstar; Rage Against The Machine's Evil Empire; Tupac's All Eyez On Me, before they took him out; Neffa's I Messaggeri della Dopa. Danny Boyle directed Trainspotting, a true pop icon of those years. And then, blockbuster movies like Rodriguez's From Dusk Till Dawn, which launched George Clooney, and where Tarantino revealed all his fetishism; the unforgettable Independence Day by Emmerich; Wes Craven reinvented horror with Scream, and the Coen brothers gave us Fargo, definitively consecrating themselves in the Olympus of Cinema.
But '96 was also the year I went to the United States for the first time, an experience that would mark me forever, especially when some scoundrels stole our suitcases, leaving us literally... in our underwear.
But what truly enshrined 1996 was, above all, the birth of Zoe, my sister, a little creature capable of warming the icy heart I found myself with, igniting something deep inside me...
In this shot, a very rare version of Elia with canary yellow hair back in 2001. We might look like drug traffickers, but we were just collecting money for a barbecue by the sea in Villasimius, Sardinia. The other two are Paolo and Martino, both bassists from the Veronese rock scene. The photo is by Alberto Baietta.
2000 | The new millennium
Having concluded my enlightened dictatorship at high school, the age of adulthood loomed – so to speak. I was offered a job contract that forced me to choose between continuing my studies and a generous salary that would appeal to any nineteen-year-old – or even a forty-year-old, truth be told. Needless to say, the superficiality of a twenty-year-old won out...
Onecacktus was a historic advertising agency in Verona, founded by my father in the 1990s, where all sorts of creatives gravitated, starting with Tiziano, aka "Fotona," my father himself, and then graphic designers, illustrators, comic book artists, copywriters, and even directors, who were a serious matter at the time, unlike today's "videomakers"... 😅
Onecacktus represented the forge that shaped me. Willing or not, I absorbed everything the great creativity buffet had to offer. But at a certain point, being the boss's son started to feel constraining. So, I decided to explore the new business that was increasingly dominating the market, the world of the web.
Fuckactus!
"L'albero a cui tendevi
la pargoletta mano,
il verde melograno
da' bei vermigli fior,
nel muto orto solingo
rinverdì tutto or ora,
e giugno lo ristora
di luce e di calor."
– Pianto Antico, Giosuè Carducci –
The VAT number (Partita IVA)
At that point, after assimilating all possible and imaginable information, I decided it was time to get serious. So, in a reckless act of thrilling recklessness, I made the worst decision of my life, the one that would condemn me to perpetual probation: I opened a VAT number.
I was only 23.
Darkness...*
For anyone who doesn't live in Italy: here, taxes are overwhelming...
Managed dozens of bands from all over Italy, set up photo shoots, created album covers, and shot music videos for their singles. It was a very prolific period because everyone wanted a video, but very few were capable of making them. And then, I had assembled a truly exclusive crew! There was the director of photography, a couple of camera operators, an editor, the makeup-urtist, the stylist, and some producers, all more or less the same age, people who wanted to work hard and prove their worth (see credits under the various videos).
But it's likely you haven't even made it this far to read. Despite the disdain people have for reading, I like to write. Not to mention that the more I write, the more I feed the damned SEO of Google! Sorry, Mr. Google, I meant blessed SEO, blessed be the SEO, amen. 🤐
2005 | The «Rock Politic»
In 2005, Gaetano summoned me to his RUN Multimedia. "I have a little job for you," he said, "seven one-minute animated commercials, the client is Adriano Celentano." "Ah," I replied. The RockPolitik adventure lasted about four months. The team consisted of two animator-designers, a 3D department (the late Darkside), and Gaetano himself, naturally as the director. It was one of the most frenetic experiences of my life. I drew and animated day and night, then rushed to RAI to deliver the master, returned to Verona, and started all over again in an endless rhythm, eating cheeseburgers in front of the computer and sleeping half an hour on the chair, only to wake up suddenly and start drawing, animating... 😵💫
On the other hand, I still remember with great satisfaction the moment when Celentano saw my first sketch, depicting him with dark glasses and a black raincoat, and seeing himself looking so cool, he declared that would be the look for all the episodes.
"But give me more hair," he added.
Needless to say, I obeyed.
In the RAI studios in Cologno Monzese, while waiting for the live broadcast to launch the graphics. To my right, the first Wacom CINTIQ
The VAT number (Partita IVA)
At that point, after assimilating all possible and imaginable information, I decided it was time to get serious. So, in a reckless act of thrilling recklessness, I made the worst decision of my life, the one that would condemn me to perpetual probation: I opened a VAT number.
I was only 23.
Darkness...*
For anyone who doesn't live in Italy: here, taxes are overwhelming...
At that point, after assimilating all possible and imaginable information, I decided it was time to get serious. So, in a reckless act of thrilling recklessness, I made the worst decision of my life, the one that would condemn me to perpetual probation: I opened a VAT number.
I was only 23.
Darkness...*
For anyone who doesn't live in Italy: here, taxes are overwhelming...
2005 | The «Rock Politic»
In 2005, Gaetano summoned me to his RUN Multimedia. "I have a little job for you," he said, "seven one-minute animated commercials, the client is Adriano Celentano." "Ah," I replied. The RockPolitik adventure lasted about four months. The team consisted of two animator-designers, a 3D department (the late Darkside), and Gaetano himself, naturally as the director. It was one of the most frenetic experiences of my life. I drew and animated day and night, then rushed to RAI to deliver the master, returned to Verona, and started all over again in an endless rhythm, eating cheeseburgers in front of the computer and sleeping half an hour on the chair, only to wake up suddenly and start drawing, animating... 😵💫
On the other hand, I still remember with great satisfaction the moment when Celentano saw my first sketch, depicting him with dark glasses and a black raincoat, and seeing himself looking so cool, he declared that would be the look for all the episodes.
"But give me more hair," he added.
Needless to say, I obeyed.
In the RAI studios in Cologno Monzese, while waiting for the live broadcast to launch the graphics. To my right, the first Wacom CINTIQ
2005 | The «Rock Politic»
 |  |  |
|---|---|---|
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
Non sono cattivo, è che mi fotografano così.
2005 | The «Rock Politic»
2018 | Words, words, words..
My first novel was published by Vertigo Edizioni in 2018. However, I had written it almost ten years earlier. Yes, "Piovaschi" was born back in 2010. I dusted it off in 2017 to give it a refresh, but in the end, I rewrote it from scratch in just one month...
The following year, I produced "OSTROV," published by Eretica Edizioni. Originally, it started as a screenplay for a potential B-movie, but eventually, I transcribed it into a novel. Don't ask me why; I just did it.
For the third book, "Uomini Terribili E Come Evitarli" (2020), the guide to the worst men a woman can fall in love with, I opted for Amazon Publishing. More out of curiosity than anything else. Since there's always effort involved in promoting it, might as well have full control over everything, from formatting to editing. I admit to having some limitations with the latter. W ChatGPT! 🤣
Riattiva l'audio per incrementare sensibilmente il livello di angoscia.
The twenty-twenty
2020 was supposed to be a very productive year. By January, I had already lined up work until the following year. But the pandemic disrupted all my plans, as it did for everyone else, confining us all to house arrest. It felt like I was back in kindergarten.
In those conditions, I had two options. Gradually turn into a paranoid conspiracy theorist witch hunter and other unidentified things. Or reinvent myself, again. Despite having enough material to turn me paranoid for life, I opted for the latter. So, I equipped myself with a 30 Euro microphone, started a podcast channel, and reinvented myself as a DIY speaker, recording and editing seven podcast episodes inspired by my latest book. This "little game" kept me busy throughout the first dreadful lockdown, of which I share a vivid memory shot from my home.
2021 – ÙTOPIA
Naturally, like any self-respecting creative, the pandemic inspired me to create dystopian and despotic stories in the style of 1984. One such project is UTOPIA, a comic in 16.9 that, alas, I never managed to finish due to a lack of funds and technical support... Oh well. The world won't miss it. You can take a look at some panels in this dedicated section: UTOPIA.
2023 | A new step
To conclude, donate 9 euros per month to my PayPal account so that I can finally ascend to a state of opulence, retire to a remote Pacific location, and put an end to doodles, scribbles, and videos advertising things you don't need. Therefore, instead of buying those things you don't need, just give me the money directly, and I solemnly promise to disappear from the radar, dedicating the rest of my life to a colony of cats in New Guinea, hoping that cannibal tribes don't appreciate the taste of white men raised on bread and mortadella.
Well, if you've really read this far, you have my utmost respect. From Bussolangeles, that's all, regards and shin guards.
Elia.
